20 Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse:

1. Do as many drugs as possible. (This doesn't necessarily ensure survival, but you'll be a lot more accepting of the situation.)

2. If possible, attempt to reason with the zombie hordes; they might be more understanding of not eating you if you can explain why you don't want to be eaten.

3. DO NOT SHOOT THE ZOMBIES; that will only make them angrier, and you probably have bad aim anyways.

4. If at all possible, run. Unless you're a woman, then you'll probably just trip and twist your ankle.

5. Zombies are drawn to large population centers, so move to the country if possible, unless you live near one of the following: cemetery, crematorium, ancient burial ground, noisy, shuffling, moaning neighbours.

6. Do not lean against windows.

7. Make sure to travel with a large group of 'feeders', people who run slightly slower than you to ensure your survival.

8. Molotov Cocktails are good for splash damage, but the undead hordes don't feel a lot of pain, so while you may feel "cool" throwing a Molotov, don't.

9. Wal-Mart sells machetes for $7.99, stock up before the Apocalypse.

10. Realize that it's unlikely you'll be able to cut through the undead hordes, as an alternative, you can try to escape, but stay in the open for fuck's sakes.

11. Do not fall asleep.

12. Should any member of your party become infected, be sure to kill said individual immediately; there is no cure for zombie, so don't waste time.

13. Don't assume that the government will rescue you; more likely than not, they were the first ones to be evacuated to the Moon.

14. Compassion will get you killed, be ruthless.

15. In the event of coming across some top secret research facility, don't assume that it's safe to go inside; if you do, you're already dead.

16. Unless you're British, don't think that you can "blend in" by imitating the zombies.

17. Get as drunk as possible; you'll need to do something to take your mind off the end of humanity.

18. Don't assume that everyone you meet is friendly, instead shoot everyone you meet in the kneecaps and run past them laughing. This will slow the zombies down.

19. If you get the chance to have sex, don't; she might have a disease or something.

20. Run.