It has been nearly two years since the last time I updated this sorry excuse for a blog. If I were to make a brand new promise to keep it active, it would be an empty one. I have no intention of closing this place down because that would be giving up. If nicotine addiction is any indication, then I’m no quitter! In retrospect some time off from the Internet was just what the doctor ordered, but don’t go thinking that I took a full two years off. You probably know damn well that’s about as insurmountable of a challenge to me, as is breathing in the vacuum of space. I can tell that you’re eager to learn more, so I’ll fill you in a bit.
At lot has happened in the last stretch of my unreported life. I’m a different person now, no I didn’t get gender reassignment surgery or anything to that extent. I’ve grown and learned new things, had new experiences and have had to re-evaluate some aspects of my so-called life. When last I wrote on the subject of myself, I was working weekends as a bouncer and going to school. Thankfully I’m out of the bar game and don’t have to deal with the bullshit that it entails. Before the move away from the club I’d quit school for reasons of boredom and a general sense that making a little bit more money was worth it in the short term. Financial reasons are never good when your education is shunted to the wayside.
I stopped working as a bouncer in the summer of ’06 because I found an easy job that offered more hours and a wonderfully lonely midnight shift for the introvert that I am. I went to work in a convenience store. The happy little crutch was that I had the experience and the know-how enabling me to make the adjustment to a new job quickly and effortlessly. I lasted through three management changes and was pretty much the employee with the most seniority for a year and a half. My life was once again a Canadian version of the movie ‘Clerks’, except that I had only reading material and drunk vagrants to converse with. I really did enjoy working there and upon reflection quit for asinine reasons, but I needed to know something about a certain individual in my life.
This little ‘deadbeat test’ was mostly concocted retrospectively from what I now recognize were subconscious feelings of doubt. I won’t go into the details of my past relationship with this woman, but things didn’t end well. She was unable to deal with me unemployed and I was never really sure what kind of future there would be for two personalities as opposing as ours. I was off of hard drugs (not that I [did/or now] do them often), I was mostly off of the Buddha, but mainly I was off of the market. The distance in any long-distance relationship usually proves to be the destructive element and that’s what I can look back on and recognize. I thought I knew what true love was, but surely any true romantic will tell you that ‘true love’ cannot be so easily rescinded but such trivial things. And to be entirely honest, I cannot discount the fear I had over getting into such a “serious” relationship at, what I perceive to be, a young age. I’m no expert in the matter but if you want to call it commitment issues, then it’s your prerogative.
Also during this time period the PSM Forums were shut-down entirely. I assume that most, if not all, of the people reading this prose were, at one time or another, members of that failed attempt at a community. Either way I was part of the team trying to keep the community together at a new, and unaffiliated, address. We succeeded for the most part, due largely to the leadership and tenacity of one Mr. Nobles. He is a man whom I would like to consider a friend, but who has largely made it clear that my friendship is no longer warranted. It is sometimes best to let sleeping dogs lie, and in that regard I chose to leave the community of which I had been a part of for six years. I would prefer not to speak further of the matter publicly, but if any of you reading this consider me a friend, you are more than welcome to inquire in private.
Sufficed to say; with no more Internet community and no more long distance relationship and no more employment or future opportunities for meaningful ventures therein; I went back to school. And here I sit, a few days away from my third term back in an adult education high school. The facility is essentially a regular high school, only the students are generally older by a mean age of about 5-8+ years. I attend classes with folks who have children my age and I attend classes with guys and dolls as young as 17-18. I attend classes with foreign-born peoples and with delinquent kid Canadians. It’s easy enough, I’m still working on trying to shuck off the latent introversion and continue living in the real world. I don’t have to be contained within the self-imposed exile and subsequent social outcastery that followed my original dropping out of high school at fourteen years. I can firmly say that things really are going a lot better in my life then they have been.
I’d like to post again in the near future on a more generalized topic than my own personal history. Maybe wax philosophical, chew out ignorance and incompetence in our society, and generally continue to make a nuisance out of myself again. I hope that won’t be an empty promise and I hope that any of you that do take the time to read up on my last couple of years will drop me a line, lest the bridge of contact grow to far to cross.
And by god if you want a look at what sort of bad state I was in, take a look here:
Lots of Delicious Reading About Me!
Truth be told I ran a blog out of the motivation of love at the time and that is probably why everything sounds so damn whimsical and cutesy. I may have to read over it and find out exactly how fucked up I was back then, but there’s a good chunk of my life in there. Read at your own risk.
I suppose I shall draw this entry to a close, even if no one reads it, it has been a therapeutic retrospective.
‘Til next time.
/Kristoffer
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